I’ve had to reflect hard on Paul’s strong language in his letter to the Philippian church:

“For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body. Convinced of this, I know that I will remain, and I will continue with all of you for your progress and joy in the faith, so that through my being with you again your boasting in Christ Jesus will abound on account of me.” (Philippians 1:21-26 NIV)

What should I pray for as I lie in a hospital bed with Leukemia?

Should I pray for healing, desiring to live a long earthly life? Or, should I pray in some sense to die that I might “gain” Christ and be with him face to face?

There is a tension and Paul in his own situation recognized it: “I am torn between the two.” I feel the tension too in my situation.

To begin with the dying aspect, think of the gain! Done with pain and in the arms of Jesus. Obtaining the outcome of my salvation. So beautiful.

But I think about what I would leave behind. The hardest part of this journey so far has been the emotional turmoil of thinking about my wife losing a husband and my kids losing their dad. It churns me up inside. Ugh, their pain sends me into tears. (Paul didn’t have a wife and kids!)

I think also of what God has done in my life by his wonderful grace to set my heart aflame for him. I want to have many years to share this with my family and in ministry to whoever God would be pleased to bring into my path. I want to preach and write more! I’ve learned so much! And I would love to keep growing over the next 30-40 years in this way.

But whereas Paul was convinced he would remain with in the body for a time “for your progress and joy in the faith” I don’t know that in my situation.

So, how am I going to pray in response?

“Lord, I desire above all that you would be made to look wonderful through my sickness. I desire to grow in my own knowledge and love of you. You put my sin to death and made me alive in Christ and I have no greater joy! It may be that you will get the most glory by my passing. It may be that you want to show yourself sufficient when all else is stripped away and you have done that; thank you!

“But I desire as well to continue on in the body (to live is Christ) to continue with my brothers and sisters for my and their progress and joy in the faith, that through my being with my family and others our boasting in Christ will abound.”

“Father, you are in control of all things. Though this cancer is trying to kill me, you may decide otherwise. I do hope for that. But I trust your good ways; whatever the outcome.

“There is no greater joy than knowing you. I pray these things in Christ’s name, Amen.”

No matter what his grace is sufficient and he is the joy of my heart. I and my family have hope beyond the grave because Jesus has conquered sin and death.